One

Dear Aly,

You are one year old today. I plan on writing your normal 12 months letter where I talk about all the stuff you've done in the last month, and all the stuff that is going on, but this is a special one year old letter. I just wanted to tell you that I love you more than I think you will ever know. At least not until you have a child of your own. Having a baby changes something, I don't know but I feel like its kind of narcissistic to love something you made so much, and yet here we are. I just wanted to tell you Aly, that your mother will always be your biggest fan. I will always be cheering for you, I will always want you to be happy. I will walk backward through hot coals blindfolded for you, I will throw myself into shark infested freezing water if you need me too. I want you to grow up happy, secure, positive, polite, thankful, thoughtful, selfless, but I will take you however you end up. It is my job to raise you right and just know that you are going to be who you are. I will always fight for you my love. I will always have time for you. I will always choose you over anything else.

I do worry Aly, about the future. I worry that you will always be just a little behind. I worry that you will be the weird kid, or labeled a loser, or a loner, or that you will be shy like me and have trouble making friends. I worry that you will have trouble in school. I worry that I won't know how to help you. I worry that I will say the wrong things. I worry that I will hurt your feelings when I try to make you feel better. I worry that I will always worry too much!

While I will worry about you, I want to make sure you get to experience everything good in life. I will let you play outside. I will let you go sledding in deep snow, I will let you play on the swings, and I will become an expert in any sport you wish to try. I won't try to push you into any one thing. I will let you choose your own music, movies, tv shows and even let you have a crush on the next Justin Bieber teen idol that comes along. I will let you make mistakes and I will help you learn from them.

I will make sure you are protected too. I will do everything I can to keep you safe when I can. I will try to understand that you will get hurt, but I will always be there to make it better.

You are an amazing little girl. You have taught me so much in just a year. You have challenged me and rewarded me and shown me so many things I never knew about myself. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. Please know that you are so, so loved. I never knew a baby that was as loved as you are. Never doubt how we feel about you. You have so much more life to live and you have so much more to show us.

There will be bumps in the road, there may be hard times, sad times, we may lose people we love along the way. Just know that you will always have my support. You will always have love, and strength. You may not always think so, but know this: You Are Enough!

Happy birthday my beautiful daughter! Here's to many more years!


Love always, Mom

Eyes Wide Shut

Just wanted to give my loyal readers a quick little update on the “Go-ings of Aly” haha. She is making some progress with her gross motor skills and has mastered the ability to go from laying to sitting. She has also figured out how to stand up in her crib and has freaked out her dad with that trick a couple times lately. She still doesn’t do things like bang toys together or clap, but she likes when you model it for her or make her do it. I’m hoping she’s just on the verge of figuring it out.  (Edit: Daddy just sent me a video of her banging together like a pro!) She also has started babbling like crazy, not just nonsense but more consonants sounds, especially “Da.” I think “Dada” is her first word. Everything is “Dadada” so I don’t feel left out! Although, she seemed like she said, ”Hi” a couple times starting at like 3 months old.

Aly did give us a little bit of scare last Saturday morning. She woke me up crying at 6:30 am. It was not her normal, “I’m up Mama, come get me,” cry, it was more a, “I’m not happy, I need my Mama now!” cry. She was acting really grumpy and not wanting to open her eyes. This is concerning because she is usually in a good mood in the morning. I changed her, fed her, and put her on the floor to play. She kept rubbing her eyes and then crying, but then would act completely normal, so I wasn’t sure what was wrong. I thought maybe she was having an allergic reaction, or possibly a hair or dirt was in her eyes. She just wasn’t acting like her normal sweet self. After texting back and forth with Ben, we decided to call her Doctor. Yes, we are those parents, we are going to end up on a first name basis with the Pediatrician’s office at some point. She has been to the regular Pediatrician 2x since she got out of the hospital, once for not pooping for 6(!) days and then now for this. Turns out she had a pretty good sized scratch on her eye. Dr. Marriott (I know!) put some florescent drops in her eye and held a black light over and we could see it pretty clearly. He said it would heal on its own, but gave us some drops to help keep it clean. Getting the drops in her eyes is a bit tricky, but she seems to be feeling better and is not rubbing her eyes as much. We have cut this girl’s nails but they are still sharp little things! Hopefully she learns not to do that.

So that was fun, a little bit scary for me. I had flashbacks to when she was in the hospital. She looked like a zombie, with her eyes half open, and then she stopped opening her eyes altogether. We never were told exactly what was going on, they thought it might be the pressure in her head holding her eyes closed. Plus, everyone keeps commenting on her eyes and how she always looks cross-eyed and might have a lazy eye. She has had her eyes checked twice already and both times they have been fine. She does have another Ophthalmologist visit at the end of October, so we’ll find out more then.

Right now, a major source of frustration is communication with her Neurologist. We are stuck playing a game of tag with her, we’ll call her, leave a message, then get a message from her, then talk to a receptionist who says a third thing. We were hoping to have a new EEG done to evaluate whether she can wean off her seizure meds, and they keep prolonging the process. I was hoping we could be done with it by the end of the year. Now, we’ll have to wait until January.

I can’t believe my little girl is going to be 1 year old. This has been the hardest year of my life, no doubt. Being a mom is the hardest and yet the easiest thing I have ever done. Having Aly has changed and challenged everything I thought I knew. I am so excited to have her 1^st birthday party and celebrate the first year of her life. She deserves it.

GO ALY!