11 Month Letter

Dear Aly,

Happy 11 Months Baby Baboosh!. Today is also Gr Gr Paul's birthday. You sat in his lap and had cake. You like everything we feed you. Sweet, sour, salty, we haven't tried spicy but I'm sure you would like it too. You are doing so well. You are finally able to push yourself to sitting from laying down. You are getting really close to crawling, you get up on your hands and knees and rock, but you haven't tried to move yet. You can stand with support and you are learning to move from sitting to standing, knees to stand and all kinds of transitions. These are very important things your physical therapist wants you to learn. You are talking a lot, but not saying any actual words. We think you are on the verge of figuring it out. You are doing well with Daddy at home and you are still taking two naps a day and sleeping from about 7 pm to 7 am with 1 or 2 wake-ups per night. You eat about two bottles of milk and then several baby food meals a day. You still wear 9 month clothing and size 3 diapers. On your last neurologist visit you weighed 16.9 pounds and you were just under 28 inches tall. You are always very happy in the mornings. You are very friendly and you suck your thumb whenever you are tired. No more binkies for you. We are trying to get you to start drinking from a sippy cup instead of a bottle. You go to physical and occupational therapy 2x a month, and your therapists love you and say you are one of their favorites. We can't believe in just another month you will be one year old. The time has flown by! You are a miracle baby girl. We are so happy we have you and we love you always and forever

Love,
Mama

Why?

Wish I had something of importance to write about. We're holding steady. Ben has been doing the stay at home dad thing for two weeks now, and I think he's getting the hang of it. I think he is also beginning to understand that Aly is a full time job! He works all weekend and tries to get as many hours as he can, so Aly and I get a lot of one on one time on Saturday and Sunday. Still can't believe how much my life has changed in only a couple of months.

I have bad days here and there. I try to focus on the good, but some days I still have trouble. I think I will need some time to process things. In a way, I feel like I am grieving something, but I'm not sure how to grieve something I'm not sure I lost. There is still so much that is unknown. There is so much I am still worrying and wondering about. I know it's not good to worry about something you can't control, but the way my mind works, is that I only worry about things I can't control.

I still feel that life is too unfair. I still feel that Aly didn't deserve anything that happened to her. I still wish I could find some comfort in something bigger than myself. Once again, I find my faith (or lack thereof) tested. I don't know if I can or if I want to believe in God.

Aly still has physical therapy and occupational twice a month, plus early intervention and she will be seeing her neurologist often and she has some tests coming up. She is still behind. It still stings when I see a baby younger than her doing something she can't do though. I know I focus too much on the stuff around me and what other people are thinking and doing, but I can't help it. I still say why me? Why us? Why Aly?

Someday I hope to move past needing to know why. But today it still bothers me. Today I want to know why and what. Today I worry about the future, even though it may not need worrying about.


GO ALY!

Miracle Child

Yesterday, I started writing an extremely negative post. I was feeling very sorry for myself. Very jealous of other people and their "easy" lives. Aly's doctor visit today brought me back to earth.

I am lucky. I am blessed. My baby is doing much better than expected. Things could be so, so much worse. Instead of wasting my energy being jealous of everyone else and feeling punished, how about I appreciate that my daughter is in the business of making doctors scratch their heads and eat their words.

We found out that another baby had a similar situation at the hospital, with similar symptoms. They were worried an infection was going around. It wasn't an infection. Sounds like the other baby had a much worse outcome than Aly.

This doesn't mean I'm not gonna feel angry, or jealous or like we have been treated unfairly by God. But this does mean that I'm going to try harder to keep things in perspective.

I still have my baby. She is my heart outside of my body. She is happy. She is thriving. She is proving them all wrong. She is amazing. She has such a capacity for love. She trusts so readily. She forgives. She smiles and I swear the entire room lights up. These are the things I need to remember when I am asking, "Why me?"

What a difference a day makes.

When Aly was in the hospital, all I wanted to do was hold my baby. When I am feeling especially low, that's all I need to do, and she reminds me what is really important. That I can still hold my baby. And that means everything.

GO ALY!