The Worst Night

Two weeks ago July 18th, was probably the worst night of my life. Strangely it was probably not Aly's as she was so sedated and out of it she will probably never remember. Unfortunately she had worse days later in the week.

Aly was transferred out of the PICU after one night. She was grumpy and irritable, but she was not opening her eyes. They thought she might still be recovering from the seizures. She went upstairs to the Infant Unit where we saw the doctors there. One, Dr. Brittany listened to her head with a stethoscope and thought she could hear fluid in Aly's fontanel (soft spot). A couple different doctors listened to Aly's head. We were transferred to another room in the infant unit, this time a private room. But we hadn't even put down our bags when Aly's neurologist, Dr. Betsy came to the room and said I want her back in the PICU and I want an MRI asap. Originally they were going to wait to do the MRI, but Aly's condition had not improved, and the sound they heard in her fontanel had everyone on alert. Dr. Betsy had to pull some strings to get Aly in for the MRI. She had to beg people to stay late and round up people to do Aly's sedation and her breathing machine. They sent Aly for the MRI around 6:00 pm.

We got Aly back in the room around 8pm. The doctors had to spend some time with radiology to read the images. Two doctors, Dr. Jessica one of the PICU residents and another that I never got the name of came to see us after 9pm. They told us, "Let's all pull up a chair and discuss the results." Ben and I just knew. Doctors never sit down for anything. Aly's brain was swollen. A lot. All over her brain. They didn't know why. The outcomes could range from a perfect recovery all the way to death. They thought with the amount of swelling and trauma to the brain, brain damage was a very possible reality.

This is where it gets hard. The feelings are still very fresh to me. Plus, I don't know how comfortable I am sharing this because its not only my story, but Ben's as well. I will tell you that at one point I went completely numb and just sat there silently imploding. Ben had to leave the room and pace the parking lot to avoid having a panic attack.  I may have yelled at a doctor at one point.

I didn't allow myself to feel anything while inside the hospital. Once I went outside, and I was away from other people except Ben, I was finally able to let it out. I don't think I will ever cry that hard again. I just remember feeling so angry. Why my baby? Why me? Why did this have to happen? Aly was so healthy just a few days ago. How can this happen? I remember walking around the hospital grounds, just aimlessly wandering, hoping I could find a place I felt safe. I prayed. I bargained with God to spare Aly and take me instead. I begged. I made promises. I wanted to break things. I wanted to break myself. I mostly just wanted to stop feeling the pain. I just wanted to shut my eyes and make it all go away.

I would say I cried myself to sleep, but I don't think I ever slept that night. The next day, we decided to try to be positive and strong for Aly again. But just for one night, I fell apart. I broke down. Luckily Ben was with me, and he was the only person on the planet who knew exactly what I was feeling.

That was the worst night. I'm not going to say the worst night so far, because I don't think many things could make for a more awful night.

I like to end my posts on a positive note, so I will say that obviously, things did get better from then on. Aly did have a few setbacks, there were a couple times when I doubted she'd ever be the same again or leave the hospital. But she showed everyone. One of the PICU docs told us when she left the unit, "That is not the same baby I saw on Wednesday. I am so glad she proved me wrong." Aly will continue to prove everyone wrong who doubts her. She is the strongest little person I know and she's not even a year old yet.

GO ALY!