I Miss Real Life

It's been 10 days since we went to Primary's. It feels like a million. It's hard to tell when one day ends and the next begins. It's hard to tell what happened on what day. I have been keeping a notebook of everything so that I can someday make sense of all of it and explain it to Aly.

I miss our old life. We were so lazy! We would come home from work and just veg every night. Ben would make dinner around 5, we would eat on the couch or in bed sometimes. I only recently started making us eat at that table. The problem is that Aly is too small for her high chair so there's no where for her to sit. So if we eat at the table she will cry the whole time because you have to leave her in the crib. But, yes, we were lazy. We had almost nothing going on most nights. We got take-out or drive through a couple times a week, we got our sunday morning coffee at Beans and Brews, and we spent way too much at Target. That was our life.

Boring, but I miss it now.

Now, our lives have forever changed. There is no vegging out in bed, there is no work, there is no spending too much at Target. Now it is a long procession of endless Doctors and Nurses, each one trying to take a stab at what could be the cause. Each one trying to make a connection, although brief.

Now, I feel like I am torn in two directions, one toward my old life of carefree routine and the other which is almost just as routine, but much more chaotic. I don't know when the next Doc will drop by or when the physical therapist will decide to work with Aly. I don't know when someone will come over to explain test results or when someone will find the answer. Most of all, I don't know when we will go back home and back to real life. I don't know if I am ready.

There will be no more letting Aly cry it out or leaving her just out of arm's reach. There will be no more letting her sleep without checking just one more time to make sure she's okay. I was never going to be one of those "hover parents." Now, I think they might have the right idea. I am going to have to check out video baby monitors on Amazon soon.

I never disliked our old life. I found it boring and too predictable at times, but it was comforting. Now the hospital is getting too familiar. I never want to feel like the hospital is my new home. but here we are.

Aly is doing so well, hopefully in another ten days this place is just the hospital we go to when she needs an outpatient procedure or when we drop in to say hi to Dr. Betsy or Dr. Kalm. I hope we can get back to our old life in some way.

and as always:
GO ALY!